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what the fuck am I going to do with the rest of my life!?!?

I feel totally lost. after speaking to my friend today, mostly about her vacation and newly found aspirations for country livin’ I feel even more lost. her ambition – whether she understands it or not – does not conciously include me. I want to be apart of her life, but she won’t (or can’t) let me in. I am past hoping there is something I can say to assist in the changing of her mind. I have accepted if she does, it won’t be of my doing.. what’s more… I am nearly certain she will, but by then it may very well be too late.
I digress…….

where do *I* want to go….? what will I do to better myself and the world in the process? yes – I will better the world by the end of my days. however, I am aware that life is untimely stolen from many but there is no reason to think about that – what will be, will be.. I will not give up until I have made my mark, my purpose on this earth exhausted.

unfortuately, I haven’t the faintest idea wtf I am to do or where to go. all I know for sure is that it “is” somewhere OTHER THAN HERE. that’s been obvious for quite awhile…

…it doesn’t appear that I will be satisfied living and working like a “normal” runofthemill college grad, 45+ hour work week participating, major-law abiding, tax paying, semi-healthy living, semi-conservative liberal mostly-middle-class american, all while seeking my “better half – significant other – compatible life choice(s) partner of the OPPOSITE sex* to finally produce a likewise family after our run w/a dog a cat, finding/building our dream home realistically established based on our reasonable income for typical hardworking semi-high intelligent/open-minded northern californians.

…or maybe I would, but in the time allotted, no one suitable has surfaced and I’m ansy. I refuse to wait around any longer… but what is step one? where or what? find a place and work with it, or find a reason and work with the place? choices….choices….choices.

honestly all I want right now is to be happily in love…. but since that takes time, and the one I want to share that with at present doesn’t share my sentiments (all the time). so for now, I’d gladly take a casual yet openly affectionate, FUN loving adventure with someone equally lost as I. we can lie in bed together after a long day, a most satisfying lay, and discuss the unknowns that life’s bloodhounds rip and tear at us… and look at each other and simply smile, knowing we have all the time in the world to heal and to grow… for now – chest to back, face nuzzled in neck, skin to intimate skin, legs arms and fingers intertwined – enjoy the company of another beautiful human being. the miracle it is to be alive.

god, I want that again.
I want it to last…
at least until the unknowns become sore and raw and the simple joys I dream of become too complicated to enjoy any longer.. again, my cynical mind strikes. and my optimistical side counters – perhaps next time, the unknowns will resolve and keep warm the simple joy it is to be with a compatible mind body and spirit.

9 Comments

  1. /\/\

    I think I mentioned it earlier, but you know, we need .NET programmers and we have nothing but awesome people in a chill atmosphere that I enjoy going into every day. Throwing that out there.

    /\/\.

    Posted on 14-Jun-06 at 6:47 pm | Permalink
  2. hella appreciate the idea.. but as you know, AZ isn’t exactly on my top list of places I wanna live. though, I have never been… have to remedy that someday…

    Posted on 16-Jun-06 at 10:47 am | Permalink
  3. Jdog

    Been a couple years Nate, am wondering what’s gone on in the interim. You in a better place yet or still in the hunt like the rest of us?

    Posted on 09-Dec-09 at 1:25 am | Permalink
  4. Austin

    Dude….nate…your rant…..is the story of my life……I am an undergrad pursuing a psychology degree…..but I have no idea what I want to do with my life….all I know is that I am supposed to do something important……but I can’t figure out what……i think…or at least I hope…that time will tell…..

    Posted on 11-Dec-09 at 4:48 pm | Permalink
  5. Wow, real comments from real people. Nice to hear from you guys, Jdog and Austin.

    I am both surprised and not that this entry has maintained value three plus years later.

    Short and sweet is that yes, I am in a better place. Fortunately all I really had to do was stay-the-course… literally moving helped a lot as well.

    I’m happily in a relationship going on three years tomorrow, our anniversary. And employed at a good job that allows me a decent amount of freedom to pursue my own passions in programming (within reason of course).

    Get that degree Austin, it doesn’t even matter if you don’t end up using it. I’m sure you’ve heard that before but it is so fucking true. It will open doors because it is proof to the world that you can stick to something to the end. Don’t worry about being important, just be. Cheesey yeah, but it’s worked for me…

    That’s not to say I’m mr. slap happy jack, fuck no, I have my down days, I certainly get depressed still. I’m just not so worried about what I’m going to do anymore or where to go. I guess I’ve let go of trying to fight and just go with the flow more and more. I’ve stood up for what I feel more and take uncomfortable opportunities and challenges. I try to hold my head high even when my mind is cloudy and gray.

    Hope some of that helps… good luck my friends.

    Posted on 18-Dec-09 at 11:06 am | Permalink
  6. Saiqa

    i wish i had your hope

    Posted on 08-Jan-10 at 11:05 am | Permalink
  7. Kevin

    this was a tremendous post. i had dejavu reading this, i felt as if this was avivid snapshot of my life.

    It’s nice for me to find this after 3 years and see you looking back at it. It’s comforting to me to see you happy now. You are right that it’s an acceptance to just be.

    Good for you nate

    Posted on 14-Apr-10 at 4:59 pm | Permalink
  8. ellis

    Yo i wish i could share yall’s optimism. However, as i have no money (inner city with no family left, gone to substance abuse), no way to get a decent job or go back to school, am sickly skinny and thus unattractive i only have to ability to admire and say gl to you nate. hope it all works out for ya.

    Posted on 05-May-10 at 4:57 am | Permalink
  9. wishing and hoping for hope is heartbreaking. almost as much as when hope is dashed to pieces. my heart goes out to you all.

    Posted on 07-May-10 at 3:13 pm | Permalink

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