well, I did it… a weekend at home without seeing or calling her. for the most part it was easy. but at times it was also excrutionately difficult as well. the situations I was in did not help at all. I was among 2 couples, my good friends and their respective girlfriends. while I remained alone, with my laptop, my affections given and received only by the cat(s)..
I wish she had been there with me, she’d have had as much fun as I in such a situatation. but it is dire and unpheasible until it is something she actually desires, because I will not half ass it any longer. I’ve fully accepted such reality. hard as it may be; attempting to fall asleep in the bed we shared was also exceedingly trying. however, I am strong, resolute and just. my intentions are solid, my will firm. so long as I do not hear of her establishing relations with another man any time soon, my heart will remain numb and managable.
I have grand plans and renewed motivation to move to SF. I am finally finding faith in that it is the adventure I seek… the successes and failures unknown an unwritten. it is exciting. I will depart from vg very soon, with as much honor and respect as I can gather - as soon as a path to follow is carved out of the thicket of worry and opportunity.
only joy lies ahead.
if I look back, I am lost
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