my sense of impending doom by eternal lonliness is tingling like a freakin’ solid square blow to the skull by the butt end of a rifle….. the strike ripples through my body in a way that effects everything but the sending me into an unconsious state of bliss part…
I keep thinking about how freakin’ awesome it would be to spend some time with her catching up…. an’ possibly sharing some affection: rubbing her feet, legs, back, massaging her shoulders and neck….. I would love to hear that sigh and soft moan again. damn she was beautiful. not only that, but when we were in-tune, we shared such commonality, that I would uproot, quit my job, and move my ass to RP this week if I honestly believed she’d give us a fair chance.
ok fuckin’ stupid thought; there are many fine fish in the sea. why change so much for one? and yet…she was a rare breed, as a fisherwoman, she hooked me! and then I lost her….fuck!?
I find myself wishing she’d want me back. and I oft go on to *think* yes, I’d want her again. all the reasons we parted ways seem petty and short-sighted… but all I know for certain is that, unless she comes to me, we will never be. I refuse to invest anymore into this girl.
for all I know, she’s not only moved on, but moved on and swimming beside a new fisherman. quite possibly one with a ‘vette she can take for a spin from time to time. (desparately holding my imagination at bay as to why “he’d” allow such a thing…..ugh)
I’m being bad.. diving and exploring a world that does not exist in reality. for all I know, she has spells of being just as lonely and lost as I.
…I really am over it, though. despite these little episodes that are more frequent than I would prefer, I truly am over it. I don’t expect anything to *ever* happen again with this woman. she is lost to me, and to gain understanding would take an effort on her part I sincerely doubt is within her. I am lost to her.
it would sure help a lot to be dating someone I was actually at least somewhat interested in. alas, I am at a complete loss for the introductory stages of any relationship at this point, therefore my options are severely limited.. I have to relearn how to make friends.
the first step is (probably) to stop hating everyone… heh, stupid fucking people..
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