so I guess I drink too much: too much coffee, too much vodka. at least that’s what my mommy says. it rather happily explains why since as of this week, I have been wiping small amounts of red from my ass. but only when I poo, there is no leakage (eww).
it’s a much better explaination than pondering the possibility of ecoli - have you eaten spinich lately? (hope not!).
drink less baddies. that concludes my self-learned lesson of the day.
I am so burned out. BURNT.CRISPY.BLACK.TOAST. I can’t wait any longer for the r&r my dear Anna has planned out for us. it’s going to be FAN-FRIKKIN-TASTIC let me tell you. well, actually, that’s ALL I’m going to tell you. (for now?)
work is like, the lame mule trailing behind the pack. I am a month and a half overdue for my annual review (and supposed raise/promotion) and I’m getting a tid bit ansy as well as anxious about the whole affair. is it going to totally suck? am I not even going to get a new title / raise / job-satisfaction-tolerance-improvement? I’m also wondering if things are in-delay on purpose as to keep me subdued, and in tractorbeamed. it’s kind of sad to think that I’ve been here my entire 24th year of life… not real sure why, though…
spending the weekend away from Chi-town might help, at least it’ll pass another couple days outside the norm-routine… this time next week I shall be in Austin, livin’ it up! :)
when you’re a stranger
faces look ugly when you’re alone
women seem wicked when you’re unwanted
she began as the acquaintance I always hoped would be around, to the loving and caring friend who quickly evolved and opened her heart to me becoming into an amazingly beautiful person. I fell in love with her and quickly established a bond I hoped and entrusted much of myself in. for a brief time, I had never known such wonders existed. then something broke. it healed, and evolved again. she was my friend again. soon after, we slipped into loving one another again. then without warning, something broke again, but this time even more ambiguously. it has stayed broken, and I have stayed in the dark as to why and how. it isn’t going to heal. it’s over.
if we could’ve remained honest as we were in the beginning, I think I could’ve married this girl. I saw it. I touched it. and now it’s gone. it escaped my fragile hold on reality.
I wish I knew what happened to my short-lived best friend.
grow up, grow strong and leave the past behind
MISSSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!! (20 points to the person who knows this reference)
I should not have posted so many of my thoughts in public view. it dissuades the ever alluring unknown. mystery, my friends, is sexy.
granted I’ve cut back, predominately because things are generally better. I don’t regret what I’ve done, it helped quell relentless thought patterns for short time periods, and the heart I’ve poured into some of my entries shant be forgotten.
for the most part, it’s fine… but the issue I’ve realized, is when the girl who’ve I’ve inferred to so very many times, has come around to read this.
if she really wanted to know what’s going on. she’d come to me. this thought-painting has served to destroy that pathway immediately and thoroughly. I don’t have proof, I’m just assuming based on evidence.
I tried to put things out like a blahog disclaimer, and keep my thoughts as jumbled and incomplete as possible, but I tend to rant. in doing so, I’ve expose far more than I intended, illustrated a far more exaggerated reality than I may actually feel. a private journal in many/most cases would have sufficed….
Live and Learn. Pine and Pine and Pine and Pine…. fucking A.
I miss her still, as if we said “talk to you later” yesterday. my god…I wish she would call.
it only takes a fleeting moment of weakness to bring about long arduous moments of agony. triggered by a memory of a better time, perhaps one of the best of my life… a monday night no more than 2 months ago, tho time is quickly passing, memory to a blur…
I’ve been pondering a couple different scenarios. none of which are really all that impactive, nor important to anyone, including myself… but for shits and giggles, here they be: 1) she’s seeing someone new… and a) someone I know or b) someone I don’t..
2) she went to the GK monday night (last night) thing in SF… a) she missed me because we had so much fun there previously, and that I had helped pull her from a self-concious state by dance or b) she had a blast, perhaps not even spending a moment in recollection on our behalf.
3) a goal in her mind to justify what has transpired between us was a forcive way to get me to realize how unhappy I am up here. like, she was a light in a dark place, I suppose. however as it turns out, not bright enough, nor am I unhappy enough to make such a change for cloudy unforseen reasons. I think this is the most likely of the 3 because she stated something along these lines whilst we were still speaking to one another. but for that to be true, so must this - there was/is certainly a superior method to pull me south…
I doubt she realizes how much fun she’s missing out on. a calling to life as she had put it, to stay ’single’ may very well be keeping her stagnant in her ways of thinking, and her goals still relating to those of a younger person. she *is* young though….
I vividly dreamt about a series of events that if occured, would be cliche - a dream come true. ….everyone hates waking from a nice dream, y’know, the kind in which everything is just as it “should” be. this dream was based strongly on reality it felt real - that the fact that it wasn’t now feels like a premonition for a false future. as if, my subconcious was letting me live what will never be… a wicked twist of irony, perhaps existing in an alternate reality.
I am my own worst enemy
my sense of impending doom by eternal lonliness is tingling like a freakin’ solid square blow to the skull by the butt end of a rifle….. the strike ripples through my body in a way that effects everything but the sending me into an unconsious state of bliss part…
I keep thinking about how freakin’ awesome it would be to spend some time with her catching up…. an’ possibly sharing some affection: rubbing her feet, legs, back, massaging her shoulders and neck….. I would love to hear that sigh and soft moan again. damn she was beautiful. not only that, but when we were in-tune, we shared such commonality, that I would uproot, quit my job, and move my ass to RP this week if I honestly believed she’d give us a fair chance.
ok fuckin’ stupid thought; there are many fine fish in the sea. why change so much for one? and yet…she was a rare breed, as a fisherwoman, she hooked me! and then I lost her….fuck!?
I find myself wishing she’d want me back. and I oft go on to *think* yes, I’d want her again. all the reasons we parted ways seem petty and short-sighted… but all I know for certain is that, unless she comes to me, we will never be. I refuse to invest anymore into this girl.
for all I know, she’s not only moved on, but moved on and swimming beside a new fisherman. quite possibly one with a ‘vette she can take for a spin from time to time. (desparately holding my imagination at bay as to why “he’d” allow such a thing…..ugh)
I’m being bad.. diving and exploring a world that does not exist in reality. for all I know, she has spells of being just as lonely and lost as I.
…I really am over it, though. despite these little episodes that are more frequent than I would prefer, I truly am over it. I don’t expect anything to *ever* happen again with this woman. she is lost to me, and to gain understanding would take an effort on her part I sincerely doubt is within her. I am lost to her.
it would sure help a lot to be dating someone I was actually at least somewhat interested in. alas, I am at a complete loss for the introductory stages of any relationship at this point, therefore my options are severely limited.. I have to relearn how to make friends.
the first step is (probably) to stop hating everyone… heh, stupid fucking people..
I am horribly anxious right now: my stomach slightly upset, neck aching, hands slightly sweaty, mind restless and lacking focus… like I’ve had too much coffee and too little sleep. neither of which are entirely true.
I’ve been a sufferer of ‘free flowing anxiety’ for as long as I can remember. yeah, now I could blame it on some bullshit at work, and some more at home, and even more on my self for this or that.
this entry is incomplete..
well, I did it… a weekend at home without seeing or calling her. for the most part it was easy. but at times it was also excrutionately difficult as well. the situations I was in did not help at all. I was among 2 couples, my good friends and their respective girlfriends. while I remained alone, with my laptop, my affections given and received only by the cat(s)..
I wish she had been there with me, she’d have had as much fun as I in such a situatation. but it is dire and unpheasible until it is something she actually desires, because I will not half ass it any longer. I’ve fully accepted such reality. hard as it may be; attempting to fall asleep in the bed we shared was also exceedingly trying. however, I am strong, resolute and just. my intentions are solid, my will firm. so long as I do not hear of her establishing relations with another man any time soon, my heart will remain numb and managable.
I have grand plans and renewed motivation to move to SF. I am finally finding faith in that it is the adventure I seek… the successes and failures unknown an unwritten. it is exciting. I will depart from vg very soon, with as much honor and respect as I can gather - as soon as a path to follow is carved out of the thicket of worry and opportunity.
only joy lies ahead.
if I look back, I am lost
I am losing sleep over this again, and I’m pretty pissed off about it. something inside me  cries out WHY why why why… LOUD and persistent enough to wake me. at which point all my logical senses kick in and scream back - SHUT THE FUCK UP!! *why* does not matter!!  yet it is of no solace, no comfort.Â
I still wake up far too early, drifting in and out of a meditative state only because I am exhausted… it is not sleep. I physically push my self hard during the day, such that I’ve never looked better. it is of slight comfort to not detest the sight of myself in the mirror as dawn breaks but rather take confidence in the fact that things will improve as I do.  and yet sigh, groggy and angry that another long arduous day in this horrible place begins anew.
FREE AND FUCKING PROUD:
no diseases inflict myself or my loved ones; no poverty strickens me or my loved ones; no shame upon myself or my family; no debt; no life path inhibiting responsibilities; no dishonesty in the way that I live my life;
free from commitment to anyone but myself; from assholes and their selfish natures; free to love whom ever I choose; free to spend my money how I choose; free to move where ever and whenever I please;
pride in my body; pride in my sense of style; pride in (some of) my work; pride in my family, despite our troubles and shortcomings; pride in my house; proud of (most) of my decisions; proud when I crack jokes no one gets but I know are good, and in my sense of humor in general;
what are you free from? what are you proud of? happy independance day.
decided to sing part of a blahog from the other day…
for some reason it sounds like something you might hear from the era of slavery…?
(guess) it reflects my melancholy…
my downhill slope is fast and relentless… it sure would be fun to ride down physically. to begin with, I’ve been pretty “sad” today anyway - so the emotional ride down the slope is pretty fucking miserable.
I see a (slick)deal for rollerblades… I immediately think, hey! this would be fun to pick up again if a certain someone was interested in me…. ugh! then the instant later, all that we share in common flashes through my stubborn skull.
dammit all to hell, why do I continually bother to think about what could be when what *is* is ridiculously far from that!? not only that, but at this point, I would refuse to let her back in to the best of my abilities… because I don’t want to go through all this again, should she have a change of heart (take 3..) it would take some major effort on her part which the probability of is even more ridiculous than my persistent thinkings of her….
humans are simple creatures.. we are happy when we have plans. something to look forward to. some shit to do to fill the otherwise empty moments. most unfortunately, when we are single and we have reached a pinnicle of self-improvement due to time spent in such status, we begin destructive introspection. questioning what the fuck is wrong with us and why we remain alone despite having a, b, c, x … (good things going for us.)
we all have these problems.
you are not unique, special, or different.
needs for companionship can be fulfilled by any one (though my heart begs to differ.)
…I have no plans for this weekend or the fucking 4th. I hate not having some(thing/one) special on the 4th… they have fallen apart at the seams consistently for about the past 5 years.
since I was a lil tike, the 4th of july has always struck me as wonderful opportunity for romance and I’ve somehow ALWAYS managed to be alone for it. OK, not alone *alone* but SINGLE. left to look up and on thru the corner of my eye catch those not so lonesome, with a jaded sense of dread in my stomach… ‘I better not see any kissing.’
give me firework reflections in the eyes of my love, tender touches in beautiful contrast to the violent explosions overhead. ignite the passion we share in a brilliant sky fires for all to see and hear but only we feel…OK hopeless romantic boy, that’s enough out of you now, go fuck yourself kthxbye.
honestly, I really don’t give a shit about any of it, it will happen in time, I’m just fed up with my own expectations.
—
I stabbed my pinky during the team meeting with a staple remover I was playing with. I let the blood cover my finger and dry. it is still there… and odd flat pool of blood on the tip of my finger. lovely, no?
of all the other shit going on today, why am I thinking about her every other freaking second? whether it’s the moments my concentration breaks for the 400th time, or the few minutes my eyes rest shut out of complete lack of sleep due to the craziness going on and my inability to shut up my mind… I am thinking about her.
the laughter from inside jokes we share, the sensations from the physical touch(es) she has previously gifted me with (very specific and primarily non-sexual gestures..), her smile drifting thru a cloud of grey matter shining strong and true, the way her hair hangs so thick yet sproingly whist partially secluding her beautiful eyes and seductive gaze. she is so beautiful, essentially flawless, in my mind’s eye.
more than anything though, I wonder, am I alone in these dreams…? does she have them as well? as often? as intense..?
my gut and my mind scream “YES, no, no, NO…(foolish boy)” while my heart yields a meek “yes” in place of all the no’s… and flutters at the passing chance… it may be true.
