I feel totally lost. after speaking to my friend today, mostly about her vacation and newly found aspirations for country livin’ I feel even more lost. her ambition - whether she understands it or not - does not conciously include me. I want to be apart of her life, but she won’t (or can’t) let me in. I am past hoping there is something I can say to assist in the changing of her mind. I have accepted if she does, it won’t be of my doing.. what’s more… I am nearly certain she will, but by then it may very well be too late.
I digress…….
where do *I* want to go….? what will I do to better myself and the world in the process? yes - I will better the world by the end of my days. however, I am aware that life is untimely stolen from many but there is no reason to think about that - what will be, will be.. I will not give up until I have made my mark, my purpose on this earth exhausted.
unfortuately, I haven’t the faintest idea wtf I am to do or where to go. all I know for sure is that it “is” somewhere OTHER THAN HERE. that’s been obvious for quite awhile…
…it doesn’t appear that I will be satisfied living and working like a “normal” runofthemill college grad, 45+ hour work week participating, major-law abiding, tax paying, semi-healthy living, semi-conservative liberal mostly-middle-class american, all while seeking my “better half - significant other - compatible life choice(s) partner of the OPPOSITE sex* to finally produce a likewise family after our run w/a dog a cat, finding/building our dream home realistically established based on our reasonable income for typical hardworking semi-high intelligent/open-minded northern californians.
…or maybe I would, but in the time allotted, no one suitable has surfaced and I’m ansy. I refuse to wait around any longer… but what is step one? where or what? find a place and work with it, or find a reason and work with the place? choices….choices….choices.
honestly all I want right now is to be happily in love…. but since that takes time, and the one I want to share that with at present doesn’t share my sentiments (all the time). so for now, I’d gladly take a casual yet openly affectionate, FUN loving adventure with someone equally lost as I. we can lie in bed together after a long day, a most satisfying lay, and discuss the unknowns that life’s bloodhounds rip and tear at us… and look at each other and simply smile, knowing we have all the time in the world to heal and to grow… for now - chest to back, face nuzzled in neck, skin to intimate skin, legs arms and fingers intertwined - enjoy the company of another beautiful human being. the miracle it is to be alive.
god, I want that again.
I want it to last…
at least until the unknowns become sore and raw and the simple joys I dream of become too complicated to enjoy any longer.. again, my cynical mind strikes. and my optimistical side counters - perhaps next time, the unknowns will resolve and keep warm the simple joy it is to be with a compatible mind body and spirit.
